Many of us spend our lives believing that if we could just change, everything would be better.

If we were more confident, less anxious, more disciplined, more successful, or somehow more acceptable, then perhaps we could finally relax and feel at peace with ourselves. The message is reinforced everywhere. Improve yourself. Work harder. Be better. Change first, acceptance later. For many people, and particularly for LGBTQ+ people navigating shame, concealment and minority stress, self acceptance can feel incredibly difficult. Carl Rogers, one of the founders of person centred therapy, suggested something very different.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

At first glance, this seems completely backwards. Surely change begins with identifying what’s wrong with us and fixing it. Yet Rogers understood something fundamental about human growth. We can’t move forward or choose a different direction until we know where we’re starting from.

THE PARADOX OF CHANGE

Many people come to therapy wanting to get rid of something. Anxiety. Shame. Low self esteem. Relationship difficulties. Addiction. Depression.

That’s completely understandable. When something causes pain, our natural instinct is to push it away.

The difficulty is that meaningful change rarely begins with rejection. In fact, the more we fight certain parts of ourselves, the more energy they seem to demand. Anxiety becomes anxiety about anxiety. Shame becomes shame about feeling ashamed. Self criticism creates another layer of suffering on top of the original struggle.

Rogers observed that genuine change often emerges when we stop fighting reality and begin acknowledging it. Acceptance isn’t the end point of growth. It’s the starting point.

WE CAN’T MOVE FORWARD UNTIL WE KNOW WHERE WE’RE STARTING FROM

I often think about this like a sat nav. Before it can calculate a route, it needs to know your current location. If it doesn’t know where you are, it can’t tell you where to go. The same is true psychologically.

Many of us spend years disconnected from aspects of ourselves. We minimise our feelings, dismiss our needs, and avoid uncomfortable truths. We tell ourselves we’re fine when we’re struggling. We convince ourselves things didn’t affect us when they clearly did.

We can’t choose a different direction until we’re honest about where we are.

For me, one example was recognising aspects of my own internalised homophobia. Growing up in the 1980s under Section 28, surrounded by messages about what it meant to be a “real man”, I absorbed beliefs about masculinity, femininity and what was considered acceptable. For years those beliefs operated largely outside my awareness.

The real shift didn’t happen when I immediately changed those beliefs. It began when I became aware of them. Once they were visible, I could become curious about them. I could question them. I could decide whether they still served me. Awareness came first. Acceptance came next. Change followed afterwards.

TRAUMA, MINORITY STRESS AND THE BOXES WE PUT THINGS IN

Many people survive difficult experiences by putting them into boxes. We tell ourselves the bullying wasn’t that bad. The rejection didn’t really affect us. The discrimination was just part of life. Our parents did their best. We should be over it by now.

For LGBTQ+ people, this can be particularly common. Minority stress often accumulates through hundreds of experiences rather than one major event. The jokes, the exclusion, the fear of being discovered, the need to monitor ourselves, the pressure to fit in and the constant awareness of being different can all leave a lasting impact.

What helps us survive isn’t always what helps us heal.

Yet many of us minimise it, we become so accustomed to carrying these experiences that we stop recognising the weight. The problem is that if we minimise the wound, we also minimise its impact. We end up wondering why we struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, people pleasing, hypervigilance or relationship difficulties while denying the experiences that helped create them. Acceptance doesn’t mean feeling sorry for ourselves. It means honestly recognising what happened and how it shaped us.

DENIAL, ADDICTION AND AVOIDING REALITY

Perhaps nowhere is the relationship between acceptance and change clearer than in addiction. As someone in recovery, I’ve learned that addiction thrives in denial. We minimise. We rationalise. We bargain. We compare ourselves to people who seem worse than us. We find endless reasons why our situation isn’t really a problem.

Recovery doesn’t begin with changing. It begins with honesty.

The first step isn’t becoming a different person. It’s acknowledging reality as it is.

Before we can change our relationship with alcohol, drugs, sex, work or any other coping strategy, we first need to recognise the role it currently plays in our lives. The same principle applies far beyond addiction. We can’t change a relationship dynamic we’re unwilling to see. We can’t challenge a belief we refuse to acknowledge. We can’t heal pain we’re determined to avoid.

WHY ACCEPTANCE CREATES THE CONDITIONS FOR CHANGE

Self acceptance isn’t approval of everything we do. It doesn’t mean giving up, lowering our standards or resigning ourselves to suffering. It means acknowledging reality honestly and compassionately.

When we stop fighting ourselves, we free up energy that was previously spent denying, suppressing or avoiding. We become more able to reflect, learn and grow. We become curious rather than defensive.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” we begin asking, “What happened to me?” or “What do I need right now?” Those questions often open doors that self criticism never could.

Carl Rogers understood that lasting change doesn’t emerge from self hatred. It emerges from self awareness. It emerges from honesty. It emerges from acceptance. Because when we stop fighting who we are, we finally create the conditions to become who we might yet be.

HOW THERAPY CAN HELP

Therapy can provide a space to explore the parts of yourself you’ve learned to hide, minimise or reject. Together, we can make sense of the experiences that have shaped you, whether that’s trauma, minority stress, addiction, shame, relationship difficulties or struggles with self worth.

Often the goal isn’t to force change. It’s to develop enough understanding, compassion and awareness that change becomes possible.

Whatever challenges you’re facing, there’s usually a reason they developed in the first place. The thoughts, feelings, and behaviours we struggle with today are often adaptations to experiences that once required us to survive, protect ourselves, or belong. Understanding those patterns with curiosity and compassion can be the first step towards lasting change.