WHEN OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS MATTER MORE THAN OUR OWN
When we don’t trust ourselves, other people’s opinions can begin to carry enormous weight. A compliment may feel difficult to accept, while criticism can feel devastating. Even minor disagreements can trigger anxiety, self doubt, or a sense that we’ve somehow got something wrong. Many LGBTQ+ people become so accustomed to judgement that criticism starts to feel familiar, while kindness, encouragement, or praise can feel surprisingly uncomfortable because they don’t fit with the story we’ve learned to tell ourselves about who we are.
As a result, we can find ourselves constantly checking whether we’re doing life correctly. We seek reassurance before making decisions. We worry about what other people think. We second guess ourselves. Sometimes we become so focused on everyone else’s needs, expectations and reactions that we lose touch with our own. Underneath all of this sits a deeper question: can I trust myself?
HOW WE LEARN TO STOP TRUSTING OURSELVES
Nobody is born distrusting themselves. For many of us, self doubt develops because at some point we learned that our own feelings, instincts or experiences weren’t safe to rely on. Perhaps we were criticised, shamed, bullied or rejected. Perhaps we grew up in families where our emotions weren’t welcomed. Perhaps we learned that fitting in was safer than standing out.
As a gay man who grew up during the era of Section 28, I learned very early on to pay close attention to the people around me. Being different didn’t feel safe. Like many LGBTQ+ people, I became highly skilled at reading the room and adapting to whatever was expected of me. I monitored myself constantly, watching what I said, how I spoke, how I moved, and whether I was revealing too much of myself. When the world repeatedly tells you that who you are is wrong, strange or unacceptable, it’s hardly surprising that you begin to place more trust in external voices than your own.
“The problem wasn’t that I didn’t have a voice. The problem was that I’d learned other people’s voices were safer to listen to than my own.”
Over time, this can become so automatic that we barely notice it. We simply assume everyone else knows better than we do. Their opinions carry more weight, their approval feels more important, and their criticism cuts more deeply because somewhere along the way we stopped believing that our own perspective was enough.
BECOMING AN EXPERT IN EVERYONE ELSE
One of the strange consequences of growing up this way is that we often become experts in other people. We learn how to spot changes in mood. We learn how to avoid conflict. We learn how to anticipate criticism before it arrives. We become skilled at managing relationships and keeping other people comfortable.
Many clients I work with can tell me exactly what their partner thinks, what their boss thinks, what their parents think, and what their friends might think. Yet when I ask them what they think, there is often a long pause. I recognise that because I used to be exactly the same. I could often tell you what everyone else wanted from me, but I had far less certainty about what I wanted for myself. Years of adapting to other people had left me disconnected from my own inner compass.
This is often what sits underneath people pleasing, rejection sensitivity, hypervigilance and chronic self doubt. It isn’t weakness. It’s an adaptation that once helped us survive. The problem is that what helped us survive childhood, school, bullying or rejection doesn’t always help us thrive as adults.
THE DAY SOMETHING CHANGED
During my therapy training, we were discussing the concept of internal and external locus of control. Put simply, locus of control refers to where we believe the power to influence our lives sits. An external locus of control means we tend to believe our happiness, success, self worth or circumstances are largely determined by other people or outside events. An internal locus of control means recognising that while we can’t control everything that happens to us, we can influence how we respond, the choices we make, and the direction we take. Often, people come into therapy with more of an external locus. As the tutor explained the theory, something suddenly shifted inside me. I realised just how much of my life had been spent looking outside myself for answers. Other people’s opinions carried more authority than my own. Other people’s approval felt more important than my own judgement.
I remember becoming overwhelmed with emotion, leaving the room and bursting into tears. It wasn’t simply that I understood the theory. It was that I recognised myself within it. For the first time, I could clearly see how much of my life had been organised around other people’s expectations and opinions, often at the expense of my own needs, feelings and instincts.
“The moment I realised I didn’t trust my own voice was also the moment I began learning how to trust it.”
Looking back, that moment felt similar to suddenly putting on a different pair of glasses. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. The insight was painful, but it was also liberating because it gave me a language for something I had been living with for decades.
SELF TRUST IS DIFFERENT FROM SELF CONFIDENCE
One of the biggest misunderstandings I see is people believing they need more confidence. In reality, what many people are looking for is self trust.
Confidence says, “I know I’ll get this right,” whereas self trust says, “Even if I get this wrong, I’ll be okay.” Confidence depends on certainty. Self trust depends on relationship. The goal isn’t to become someone who never doubts themselves or never makes mistakes. The goal is to develop enough trust in yourself that you can tolerate uncertainty without constantly needing somebody else to tell you what to do.
That shift can be incredibly freeing. When we trust ourselves, we stop looking for guarantees. We stop believing that every decision must be perfect. Instead, we begin to trust that whatever happens, we have the resources to cope with it.
There’s nothing wrong with valuing other people’s opinions. In fact, other people’s perspectives can be incredibly helpful. Friends, family, mentors and loved ones can sometimes see things we can’t, challenge our blind spots, and offer wisdom drawn from their own experiences. The goal isn’t to stop listening to others. It’s to stop treating their opinions as automatically more important than our own.
Self trust means being able to take other people’s views into consideration whilst still checking in with yourself. Does this fit with my values? Does this feel right for me? Does it align with the life I want to build? Sometimes the answer will be yes, and sometimes it won’t.
What works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. We all have different histories, priorities, identities, relationships and life experiences. Advice that feels right for somebody else may not fit your circumstances at all. Part of developing self trust is recognising that you are the expert on your own life. Other people’s opinions can inform your decisions, but they don’t have to define them.
LEARNING TO LISTEN TO YOURSELF AGAIN
For me, learning to trust myself involved returning to questions that sounded simple but felt surprisingly difficult: What do I think? What do I feel? What do I need? What matters to me? For people who have spent years adapting to others, these questions can feel unfamiliar because we’ve become so used to looking outside ourselves for answers.
The answers didn’t arrive overnight. They emerged gradually through personal therapy, professional training, reflection and experience. Over time, I began to realise that my thoughts and feelings weren’t obstacles to overcome or problems to solve. They were important sources of information that deserved to be listened to.
Learning to trust yourself isn’t about becoming selfish or ignoring other people’s views. It’s about recognising that your own thoughts, feelings and experiences deserve a place at the table too.
HOW THERAPY CAN HELP
At its heart, therapy isn’t about giving advice or telling people how they should live their lives. Instead, it’s about helping people reconnect with themselves. Many clients arrive in therapy knowing exactly what everyone else expects of them, yet feeling uncertain about what they want, need or believe.
Together, we can explore the experiences that taught you not to trust your own voice. Those experiences might include bullying, family dynamics, minority stress, rejection, trauma or years of people pleasing. By understanding how these patterns developed, it becomes possible to build a different relationship with yourself.
In many ways, therapy is a journey from external validation towards internal trust. While support from others remains important, healing often involves learning that your own voice matters too. Because ultimately, trusting yourself isn’t about believing you’ll never make mistakes. It’s about recognising that your thoughts, feelings and experiences are valid, and that you are capable of becoming one of the most trustworthy sources of guidance in your own life.